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Funny Gags - When Uncle Billy died his best friend Ted was bequeathed his prized much loved parrot. This parrot was fully matured with a bad attitude and very bad vocabulary. Every other word was either a rude remark or a curse.
Ted tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and set a good example... But to no avail. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the parrot just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got angrier.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Ted put the parrot in the freezer.

The parrot continued to squawk and scream.

Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Ted was frightened that he might have hurt his dead friend’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Ted’s extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, change my ways so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.

Ted was gob smacked at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

  2

Jack took his aging duck to see the vet because the duck wouldn't eat.

The vet explained to the Jack that as ducks get older their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the bird to pick up its food.

"I suggest that you gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." Jack did not hesitate; he just wanted his duck to get better.

After time Jack bumps into the doctor

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." Jack said sadly.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" said the Doctor.

"No." Jack says. "I think the duck was dead before I took him out of the vice."

3

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake close by and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The farmer noticed that the guy had a boat but no fishing rod, on seeing this he mentioned it to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true!
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The guy then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest-- you are fishing illegally!"

The guy calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden and said, "Are you going to talk or fish?"


4 - What do you call a woman who goes into a bar and starts to juggle with the drinks?
Beatrice (beer tricks).

5 - I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: "Is the bar tender here?

6 - A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we don’t serve food.

7 - A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary

8 - A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'

9 - A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

10 - Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!

11 - A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow I've never seen anyone drink that fast before" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 cents" and runs out of the bar.

12 - A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to its head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start anything!"