Funny Jokes
Funny jokes are a fine form of entertainment. Funny jokes can be told at stag dos birthday parties’ and anniversaries in fact funny jokes go down well where ever you are. However be careful not to offend anyone in your audience. Racist jokes are best kept under wraps.
Did you hear the one about the Vampire Bat.?
1 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked him self on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling the bat about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked."Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
As funny as your jokes are you have to remember that not everyone has the same sense of humour so choose your audience wisely. Did you hear the funny joke about the slow racehorse?
2 The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey."Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
3 There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance? "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs."You were right all along," the old man says, "I finally did fart out my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Funny jokes come across even funnier if actions are mimicked throughout your joke telling, however in saying that to much acting the goat can make you look silly so therefore a possibility no laughs gained from your funny jokes.
4 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
5 Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One man looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head to show his respect.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other fella says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
6 Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders."I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer.""But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dear."
Enjoy and feel free to use the jokes on the Jesterminute website |
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